As 2010 is rapidly approaching I thought I would take a minute and think about the last year of my life. My main resolution for last year was coming out. It was a goal I had that I had that I was unsure I would accomplish but miraculously I did. In 2009 I went from living my life in secret to living the life I want to live. If so much has changed in 2009 and I’m living the life I want to live what’s in store for 2010?

I have decided that 2010 is the year of refinement. The goal is to take the what I’ve learned this last year and lean how to become a camelion. To “blend in” more with society, without losing my individual flair. To continue to be myself regardless of what society tells me. To live a good life and be good to myself and others.

So there you have it an [extremely] brief summary of 2009 and goals for 2010.

Today marks a very important day for the transgendered community it’s the 11th annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. Although not a widely observed day it’s a very important one to me. Transgender Day of Remembrance was first observed in 1999 after the November 28th, 1998 murder of Rita Hester.

November is Transgender Awareness Month which natural makes it a perfect fit for Transgender Day of Remembrance which always occurs on November 20th each year. It is important for us, the transgendered community to remember those who have given their lives, many who’s lives have changed laws and legislation to better us today. Join me in remembering and invite your friends and allies to do the same. If you can attend a candle light event in your area please do so.

The Process

This isn’t the first time I’ve proclaimed that this is a process and it won’t be the last. It may be due to the fact that I compartmentalize my life too much. On the other hand it may be due to the fact that it really, truly, for reals is a process. Tyler Oakley may have said this best in his video National Coming Out Day 2008 in which he said “…it [coming out] is not really an I’m out let me text everyone in my phone right now and I’m done, it doesn’t work like that, what many people don’t realize is that coming out is a life long process…” So now that we know it’s a process what do we about it?

My method was that which I learned from Aesop’s fable, The Tortoise and the Hare. Thus the philosophy of “slow and study wins the race.” Pick a few people a day, a week, a month, even a year. Start with people you trust, people you know will love you no matter what. However, remember that people are unpredictable and their reaction may surprise you. Which brings me to my next point.

Reactions

In my experience I’ve been able to categorize peoples reactions into three categories: supportive, acceptance, and misinformed/judgmental. Each of these categories each come with their own set of subcategories and I’m not attempting to generalize just share a brief overview of my experience.

The supportive person is the one who immediately accepts you. This may be the favored reaction. Often times these are the same people who say “yeah I’ve known” or something similar. Depending on your friends,family, or community this may or may not be a common reaction.

The person who I would put in the acceptance category is the one who tells you either they don’t agree with you but they accept your decision and value your friendship. Often this is the person who just needs time and they’ll come around. Give them time but don’t hesitate to be yourself. From personal experience I’ve lost a few friends, which is hard, but, to me, it wasn’t worth living a lie to gain/keep a friend.

Naturally some people are either misinformed or judgmental this may be the hardest reaction to receive. It always hurts to have someone judge you for who you are or question your character. For me it is important to not automatically throw out their options but to listen and if they are willing to have a civilized conversation then to do so. Granted that some people won’t listen and will be quick to judge in this case it’s sometimes best to break ties or wait for them to come around.

Be Patient

As I said in the beginning this is a process, and each person and experience will be different. Take the time and be patient with the people you really want to maintain friendships with. This is easier said than done. Be ready to expect questions about your life, you don’t have to answer them but people are often curious about things that are different than themselves or what they are used to. Most importantly, be yourself.

After much research and thought I went thought the process of legally changing my name. The process varies state and county, this is my experience with the process in King County, Washington.

Do your homework

Everything went very smoothly for me and I think that main reason was I did my homework. I started out with a Google search of “name change in king county Washington” which lead me to the official government site which contained the appropriate forms.

Your state should have the forms available online but you may have to go pick them up at an office. Make sure you read and re-read everything. Filling out everything correctly will make it a lot easier when it comes time to turn them in.

Besides the state resource site, visit forums, or other trans resources (like this one, you get a bonus point) A great site I found was TGRoadmap.

Have Confidence

You’ve heard it said that attitude is everything. I don’t always agree with this but in this situation I do. As someone who never had been to court before saying I was nervous was just the tip of the iceberg. In my case I got called up first (eek) I walked up there with confidence followed the judges instructions and all went well.

Be Sure

Changing your name is a big step. Be sure it’s something you really want to do. I would also suggest using your preferred name for some time before making the leap. Try on different names until you find one that is you. The main reason I say this is that changing your name will cost money (in my case around $180), more importantly it’s a pain to get all accounts in order and not something I think anyone should have to do more than once.

Smile

Smile, be happy, and enjoy being just a little more of who you want to become.

One of the questions I’m often asked is “how did you choose the name Brooke?” To be honest I had no idea how hard it was to choose a name. I now know why it often takes parents a long time to choose a name for their children. It’s funny to think how a name means so much. For example, my association with names often dictates how I feel about the people with these names. Thus is why when choosing a name it is important to pick something you are comfortable with as well as a name that seems fitting.

For me this meant that I had to “try on” different names much as a person tries on clothes at a store. It felt as if each week I was asking my select group of friends to start calling me something new. Then one day one of my friends was like “you need a strong good name, something like Brooke.” I knew almost instantly that was it, ever since I’ve been a Brooke.

Of course the story doesn’t end there, it’s one thing to tell people you’ve changed your name but it’s a whole new thing to get people to call you something new. I find it interesting that this is easier for some than others.  Some of my friends were able to change back and forth depending on where we were, others are finding the change hard. I think the thing I find the most intriguing is why is it when you change your name that people find it ok to comment. I now get comments like “Brooke, I don’t like that name” or “Brooke, what a great name.” I don’t understand why when someone changes their name it’s ok to let them know what you think. This may be one of life’s little mysteries. Oh and don’t even get me started on pronouns.