The Process

This isn’t the first time I’ve proclaimed that this is a process and it won’t be the last. It may be due to the fact that I compartmentalize my life too much. On the other hand it may be due to the fact that it really, truly, for reals is a process. Tyler Oakley may have said this best in his video National Coming Out Day 2008 in which he said “…it [coming out] is not really an I’m out let me text everyone in my phone right now and I’m done, it doesn’t work like that, what many people don’t realize is that coming out is a life long process…” So now that we know it’s a process what do we about it?

My method was that which I learned from Aesop’s fable, The Tortoise and the Hare. Thus the philosophy of “slow and study wins the race.” Pick a few people a day, a week, a month, even a year. Start with people you trust, people you know will love you no matter what. However, remember that people are unpredictable and their reaction may surprise you. Which brings me to my next point.

Reactions

In my experience I’ve been able to categorize peoples reactions into three categories: supportive, acceptance, and misinformed/judgmental. Each of these categories each come with their own set of subcategories and I’m not attempting to generalize just share a brief overview of my experience.

The supportive person is the one who immediately accepts you. This may be the favored reaction. Often times these are the same people who say “yeah I’ve known” or something similar. Depending on your friends,family, or community this may or may not be a common reaction.

The person who I would put in the acceptance category is the one who tells you either they don’t agree with you but they accept your decision and value your friendship. Often this is the person who just needs time and they’ll come around. Give them time but don’t hesitate to be yourself. From personal experience I’ve lost a few friends, which is hard, but, to me, it wasn’t worth living a lie to gain/keep a friend.

Naturally some people are either misinformed or judgmental this may be the hardest reaction to receive. It always hurts to have someone judge you for who you are or question your character. For me it is important to not automatically throw out their options but to listen and if they are willing to have a civilized conversation then to do so. Granted that some people won’t listen and will be quick to judge in this case it’s sometimes best to break ties or wait for them to come around.

Be Patient

As I said in the beginning this is a process, and each person and experience will be different. Take the time and be patient with the people you really want to maintain friendships with. This is easier said than done. Be ready to expect questions about your life, you don’t have to answer them but people are often curious about things that are different than themselves or what they are used to. Most importantly, be yourself.

Posted on Sunday, November 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am to Transitioning